The FIRST and the LAST (A story of a game and how it changed my life)

This game was not the first game that I have played. The first MMO that I started playing was Gunbound. Gunbound was great because it really opened me up to the online world. Having no unlimited internet at that time, there was only dial up and it was fcking slow as hell! (As I finished typing that paragraph, my OCD kicked in and I had to JUSTIFY the whole paragraph heh)

The second MAJOR MMO I played was an RPG type game. I was introduced to the game by an online gaming community, GameSync- forums. The ride was great, it actually taught me about how the world was and how I should make my own decisions, trust only when I only it is really safe - yeah, this is caused by scammers and other gamers with horrible attitudes ingame. This game was Maplestory, and I am proud to say that I am an old timer because I have played this game since before all those major buffs happened - only when the four classes were available, and sticked with the game during the expansion to Aqualand and Ludibrium. I quit somewhere there though, but came back many times after major patches to play with my friends. 

The third MAJOR MMO I played as in a private server, but it wa with close friends. Ragnarok Online! The game was so much fun I physically dedicated myself to it. I can go on for long bouts of time without eating OR sleeping just to play the game, and because I dedicated my other time to studying for academic results, I sacrificed my sleep to play - and I can still say that I have enjoyed it very very much. 

I played two main classes, a Cleric that eventually became a High Bishop and a Mage that eventually became a Warlock. I played the Cleric for a supportive role when my friends are online to play, and the Warlock for when I was alone and there was nothing to do (when my friends are offline or are unwilling to play with me). That was what I tried to tell myself, but I couldn't help noticing how I was desperately lying to myself so badly.

I played Cleric a lot. It was my favorite type of character and I enjoy supporting my friends when they are playing. I wasn't a very good gamer, so I frequently messed up and caused everyone in the team to die or lose. But it was fun. There were times that I surprisingly shone when playing the role. There were times that I felt that I was actually doing a pretty good job. I met many people that I grew to know more and more and are now some of my closest friends. They fare from may different countries, and so I get to learn more about their cultures and also their way of life.

Not everyone was around most of the time, so I  was usually only playing and supporting one person that usually used a Monk or an Asura. You know, those characters with the lethal ASURA STRIKE that deals very huge amounts of damage. They are actually very capable of supporting themselves, but extra healing and buffs seem too good to be true at that point. I was following because of the FREE EXP and MONEY. And I am not going to lie, it was also because I had nothing to do and it was fun to follow.

This continued and our bonds grew stronger. I was young and stupid, and so I fell in love. I was so drawn into the game - I began to think of the game as a reality. Real life at that point was after all - meh, not so interesting. At 16, what humans want is only a place to belong to aside from their own families, and that was probably what I longed for. I began to spend more and more time ingame, waiting to go on another adventure. Another activity for me to fill my head with all sorts of fond memories. I have tried to tell myself that I am not doing the right thing - or am not about to do the right thing, but my heart was controlling my mind. My strength of mind was feeble and frail. I was just entrapped in the web that my longing heart has spun, aimlessly. And I did it. On one of the adventures. I did it.

I can still remember the map where it happened, and how it happened and how I felt then and also how I feel many years after that, and even now. It is actually very hard for me to express this in words, but I just had to get it out of my system. Somewhere where anyone can see and where people can learn from.

We were hunting Eddga, a boss in Payon Forest. And I said something stupid. Like "I Love You" (Yes, please attribute this song to that song resung by Nicole Kidman and Robbie Williams, except that the feeling wasn't mutual). The respond to that was that I was too tired. I probably was. I was so flustered and angry with myself that I just logged off midgame. What was I saying? I should have known better - my journey with Maplestory should have instilled in me to think more about what I say and when I should say them. I did not log on for days.

When I did log on, I created the mage (became a Warlock) so I could solo the game. When I play with my friends again, I would almost reluctantly switch back to the Cleric, but most of the time I played as a Warlock. I have also respec-ed my Cleric to become a battle type cleric so that I could solo as a Cleric. The incident influenced my playing style so much that I no longer play a fully supportive character nor could I handle being given a supportive role. Months later, I would still be invited into random parties as a Cleric and being expected to support. The mental trauma made me unable to do so, I failed so badly I went Solo again most of the time. In many other games I played after, I became more of a self-support offensive style cleric of some sorts.

We acted like nothing happened, it was for the best. Even now, we still play some games together as friends, and I am very happy that we were still able to do so after something that could have caused me three lives had occured. I am very grateful that the reaction was as such, I would have done the same thing. I am glad that this was made a secret and kept between us unanimously - though we never said anything.

Emotionally, I was scarred. It made me build a cage around my heart. Everything said to me now would first go through my brain. I would be wary of people that try to become close to me. It made me afraid to tell people that I love them, because it made me fear rejection again. It made me afraid that I would lose things even though I didn't lose anything the first time. For me, I was putting one foot down on making it the last.

Six long years have passed, and I am still affected badly. Convinced that it was because of my severe imperfections, I gave up on social life and tried to excel in how I look, my academics and how I am perceived in the eyes of others. Looking back, I regret trying to be someone I didn't want to be. I lost weight and got contacts - it is now very hard for me to go out without my contacts because I wouldn't have any confidence either wise, and my fears of how my body would look like made me hydrophobic.

I would go into depression by myself - so I am very thankful to the friends that I have that are very willing to talk to me to cheer me up. Yes, I am very proud to name them as Priscilla, Neo Yen and Alfred. Thank you for cheering me up unknowingly when I was about to sit in one corner and freak out. My biggest secrets will always stay only with you three and only you three. Promise.

There was this one time I was sitting in one corner of the room, feeling depressed as fck and thinking suicide thoughts. And then a voice message came, and I forgot everything and started laughing. That was how much it actually matters.

For me - that was the first and the last time I will speak my heart without my mind processing it through.

-- Still, I am looking forward to the Tree of Saviors Online to start fresh. That game will represent my reincarnation from the world of Ragnarok Online I played and left many fond memories in. Now I am less reluctant in moving forward because I have made new friends. Maybe I will regain the ability to become a supportive character here. (But I am very interested in either the Druid, Necromancer, Sorcerer or Bokor :3 )

Resignation, Retirement and Breaks

Recently, my dad told us that he was tired of working and wanted a break - and to work as close to home as possible. No one was surprised, really. This was following the recent cases of horrifying aircraft incidents such as hijacks and attacks, and my dad just so happens to be a pilot. Not for an airplane, but for a helicopter (but who cares, its still an aircraft). Inclusive of the fact that Ebola had just started to get into his country of work - his retirement plan is now becoming seemingly a necessity instead of a want.

As the main breadwinner in the family, he works hard to fund all four of his children's education - to a tertiary level, which is no walk in the park; so him wanting to take a well deserved rest is no biggie, really.

I, as the youngest in the family is still pursuing my bachelor studies (third year as in 2014) - with a simple 20% scholarship as there was no better scholarship scheme that fitted my background (Yeah, I am an honest guy that wont dare input false information for a scholarship), and this current scholarship is a bit of a foul because a CGPA of 3.75 is to be maintained for the scholarship to carry forward, and it is just 20% of the fees. I know of better scholarship schemes that offer a full payment of school fees with just a constant maintenance of a 2.00 CGPA, and to think I couldnt apply for it because of my background status (like income, etc) that I didn't dare to forge. 

Maintaining a CGPA of 3.75 sounds easy, but it actually isn't. The GPA corresponding to the marks are as such:

80% - 4.00 GPA

75 - 80% - 3.67 GPA

- - -

- which means that I am only allowed to obtain at least more than 80% for all four subjects and have only a few chances to pull the continuous CGPA up if I slip on a few subjects, but not all. The truth is hard and painful, like running into a brick wall. And there is nothing much I can do, except complain and pray that a better scholarship scheme will run headfirst into me; and that chance is also getting slimmer. No one in the right mind will offer a scholarship scheme to a third year student, finishing in another year. 

This painful fact is why I try so hard in my studies, though many people might see me as lifeless and booky. I have put aside a few best friends to study, and I regret that deeply even though I don't feel as if I have a choice. I wanted to apologize to them; but I feel as if I will be that little brat that apologizes and then does the same mistake again - and again. 20% is not much, but if it can lessen my dad's burden then it means a lot to me. 

I still fear of the day when this scholarship crumbles, even though I try so damn hard to redeem myself in it's grace. I fear of the day my dad will have to work harder even though he wants a break - just to pay for my studies, just to fund something that should no longer hold any more importance to him.

My dad had been trying to offer me the best - he wants me to study overseas, live overseas, experience the life overseas. I tried nicely everytime to offer a counter-excuse to refuse. Why? Because I know he will have to work harder. I know that he will have to suffer in order for me to obtain a meager half-baked experience overseas. Even though the offer seems too good to be true, I would rather work hard with my own sweat and blood to obtain what I want. I know of a few people that have practically begged their family for a chance to be overseas - I do not think of them as spoiled, there might be a pinch of envy in one corner of my heart; but I am happy for them.

I have just started my internship programme last month, on the 14th of June 2014. Working as a trial for not even a year, or thirty years up like my dad - I have already felt depressed and tired. I had practically not much time to do what I loved and wanted, and that was enough to give me suicidal thoughts. Thankfully, my brain had more control over my heart. I am grateful to my brain for self-inducing stupidly optimistic reasons for me to live on - and so I did. This is one of the reasons I felt that my dad should be able to rest if he wants to rest - putting aside the fact that many hap-hazardous incidents are threatening his life.

After the announcement this morning, I went online and looked for reasons that people may retire and what might happen to them; and I became more understanding towards my dad's plea for a break. If you want to read more about it, you can read it here: http://www.financialsamurai.com/the-dark-side-of-early-retirement-risks-dangers/

I just hope that my dad will not feel like he is useless in society's eyes after he takes a break - and if he continues looking for a new job in his homecountry, then I hope that he gets a relaxing job.

XOXO

KiiKii the Yu