Finishing this year (2013) and also my fourth semester in my Degree, I have to say that it was... Mortifying. Agonizing. Dreadful. MAD, yes. It was totally mad. It drove me up the wall several times, having me feel like a strangled fowl. It doesn't take a genius to see that I have been doing horribly in the finals of the semester. Sure, the semester was good and all - the assignments and project were dreadfully tiring but it was doable. What bothered me was the finals. Yeah, the finals.
So anyway forgive the randomly allocated post name. It was just something I thought up like three to four seconds before I started typing these long meaningless paragraphs of words.
Year 2013 wasn't the best year I have seen, but certainly it couldn't be the worst I will see. I have caught on news about many people that I know by name - and a number of them has passed on, on this year itself. I have no idea if I only became more aware of things happening around myself recently, or there really seem to be some force at work. I would choose the latter though, I am usually ignorant during the previous span of my life.
I got to meet many interesting people, and also made some enemies out of people. I am sure that with my double-edged sword personality - carefree at times and really dead on serious instantly at another would annoy people and get them to rethink their friendship, but yeah. I have been trying really hard to stick to one, but it is hard because this has sort of become a habitual instinct. I would even like to apologize, but by the time I finish we would all be old enough to crumble at any second.. So I would leave it at that.
I have abandoned a lot of my friends because of my own pride and attitude. First, I want to be the top in class. And then I feel like it would not be bad to be at the bottom. At times I feel lonely, and then I am not. I at times really miss someone. And then I dont. I sometimes make light of my friends and spend my time completing my seemingly endless assignments and projects - even though I really could do them earlier, I procastinate. And then when I am invited out by my friends - I have to reject them.
As I got busier, I suddenly have to help organize a large-scale event in February next year (2014). As it coincided with me needing to find a new scholarship to substain my education and also helping out to move to a new house, I was busier than ever - and also stressed out. It was not the fault of the club's. It was mine and mine alone - and this all stems from my inability to say "NO" and also my incapability of seeing myself happy alone while everyone else around me have to suffer. And this leads to me having to again reject invitations to outings from my friends.
If my friend, in any way gets hold of this post and read them - I want to apologize from the bottom of my heart. I am really sorry.
Also, I am sorry to make my family worry so much about me. I am this type of person that won't ever forgive himself for mistakes done - and so during exams I would be ripping my hair out stressing myself and secluding myself from the outside world.
What I want to approach in year 2014 is to be a more carefree person, and spend 50% of my time having fun with my family and friends and strictly 50% on work and education. I hope not to have my work and education taking over my life and making everyone worry about me, and having me worry about myself - I want to learn to love myself and give myself a treat. And with that I have quitted the Debater's Club. I sure won't want to organize any more events and become the President - although it is a good thing - it is just not worth my already limited time.
I want to learn not to give a fuck about other people's wants except if they are family, or if they are really important. I don't want to be taken for granted, and so I don't want to care.
I want to be able to confidently say "NO" if I am really unhappy and voice out when I am in disagreement, because I found out that is where my problems stem from.
I want to be a person that is there for my family and friends, and most importantly be there for myself.
Most of all, I want to be a person I can be proud of - not a person others want to be.
